Blog – Finding The She

March 2, 2020

Confession

Hello all! Okay, part of the reason I created this site was to have a place to explore myself and figure out what makes me tick. I had this epiphany once that, although I am a different breed of woman, I might not be the only one. Also, I find it difficult to keep myself on the right track sometimes, so I need a place for accountability. That will mean some exposure of myself that may not be comfortable. And could be why it has taken me so long to put anything out there. Anyone else feeling this?

I had the intent of opening this up today as I was inspired watching some craft room organization videos. However, once I sat down to do it, I couldn’t for the life of me remember how to get into my own site. It’s taken me over half an hour to work through my notes, support forums and all of my notebooks to remember how to get here. Which is more proof why I should spend more time here. And now I’ve completely lost that inspired thread I was going to write.

So, rather than let that stop me from moving forward, I will share with you what my intent here is.

Short background – I have held a full time job most of my life. My career growth has taken me to a realm of great opportunity and great responsibility with massive amounts of challenges. My field is mostly male dominated and is very stressful. More stressful on me than others because I am a perfectionist and I feel I must produce the best possible output no matter what. That cannot be said of all others in my field, which tends to frustrate me greatly. And I spend a lot of time explaining to those with whom I work exactly what my function and purpose is. It can be exhausting. Also, I managed to not manage my home as well as I would have hoped for or feel I should have. Y’all, my house is a mess. Like we aren’t quite ready to be on an episode of hoarders, but every surface of my house has clutter and chaos on it. EVERY SURFACE! It was getting to a point that I didn’t want to come home at night because of the chaos. And my kids are grown! Also, on a personal note, I lost my dad, almost lost a son, had several kids (mine and others) move in and out over the past few years, lost my closet and my craft room for the cause. (and I have a closet that would make most grown women weep from joy.) I have no space for me! Just to decompress, or craft, or anything really. My office at work was becoming my sanctuary.

I was overwhelmed. And overloaded. And ready to snap. So, my husband and I decided maybe I needed a break . So I came home with all these ideas of grandure. I was going to take control of my house, start working on my crafting business and get my life in order. It was going to be great. But what I didn’t know was that I was depressed and I had waited a little too long to take this step.

Fast forward – I’ve been home now for 9 months. My house is still chaos. One of the last 2 remaining children has flown the coop to be a soldier and I have a therapist. I did manage to get a few rooms cleaned up and organized, but I haven’t been able to maintain them. I’m looking to go back to work because the truth is I didn’t control the budget the way I should have. And I’ve gained 20 pounds since coming home and I was already over what I should have been by a large margin. So I had to buy a whole new wardrobe just to get started again. Work clothes that is, my lounge close still fit quite nicely thank you very much!

So, I’ve decided that if I truly want something to help hold me accountable and to get all my thoughts out of my head, it’s time to start populating this site. I have big plans with a rough timeline right now which I plan to post in another article. But for now I hope that putting this out there will suffice as a good start.

Thanks for listening.

July 7, 2021

What is most important?

What do you think about? When you’re alone, in a crowd? Where are you really?

These are excellent questions to ask yourself on a daily basis. See, where our mind sits, is where we are. Do you live in the moment? Is it the past that occupies your thoughts? Could it be what you are looking forward to instead of where you’ve been? The saying “those who don’t study history are doomed to repeat it” is true. It’s true of countries, governments, and individuals.

Have you ever watched someone you love continue to repeat the same bad actions over and over. Wrong partner, wrong job, wrong car, wrong investment, wrong meal, wrong everything. They can’t seem to get a break, bad things continue to happen. Destiny is against them, right? What if it isn’t destiny, but their own choices causing the problem? Ever seem to have those issues yourself? I have, and they aren’t fun.

The truth is, if we don’t take a moment, do some analysis, and revisit our past, we are doomed to repeat it. We will continue to repeat the same lesson until we learn it. No one wants to admit defeat in anything, but if you don’t know you are down, how can you ever go up?

So, what to do? It is not the easiest of tasks to look inward, hold ourselves accountable, admit our own fault in our current circumstances and then regroup. But it is the only way to move forward. Psychologists call this mindfulness. I call it living in the moment. I spent a good portion of my life living in the past, feeling sorry for my lot in life, knowing that the universe hated me. But the truth is, once I started really looking at where my thoughts were, I realized I had some very unwanted squatters living in my head and they needed to be ejected.

I don’t know how people find happiness unless they have taken a hard look inside, especially those who come from a rough childhood. I suppose some never do. For anyone who feels like they are in a rut and can’t get out of it, take a moment to breathe. Then ask yourself what is most important to you. Where are your thoughts? Write them down, then read them. See if there is something you didn’t know about yourself, and then see if you can modify your behavior to get a different outcome. If you aren’t on your own mind at least a little bit, you aren’t your own priority. And you have to be or you can’t really prioritize anyone else.

Peace my friends!

September 11, 2019

Reflection on 9/11

Do you remember where you were when the towers fell? Are you old enough to remember it? Did you lose someone that day?

Most of us old enough to have been able to watch it happen in real time remember exactly where we were, what we were doing and what we were thinking. It was a time of fear, uncertainty, sadness and anger. At least it was for me. I had just gotten my cherubs dropped off at school and was en route to my job. I heard the first plane hit announced on the radio and watched the second one on a TV belonging to one of my co-workers. I speculated with my office mates about what was happening and where the next hit might happen. Sometimes I hate it when I’m right.

I knew we were under attack when the second plane hit. My country was under attack by an unknown assailant. My speculation in this continuing conversation with coworkers – the third hit would be the Pentagon or the White House. Why on earth would I think that? I am an Army veteran. It’s what I would do. It was the next logical step in a coordinated attack. Those with us that day who served were in agreement. Those who had never served thought we were crazy. Turns out we were right.

All I wanted to do that day was run back to the places I had dropped my children, take them back home and hold them. Forever. But I couldn’t. I had to work and they had to be at school. Like everyone else, I went through a range of emotions over the next few days. I cried; I screamed; I shook my head; I watched my children sleep. And every year on the anniversary, no matter where I am, I go through a range of emotions again. Today is that day. It didn’t hit me that it was that day when I got up. It hit me when I opened my social media. It’s not a day that I purposely make note of or set aside to reflect on, but it is a day I find vitally important to remember.

I didn’t lose a relative or friend on that day in 2001. But I did loose other country men and women. I feel for those who did lose someone. I grieve for those lost. I grieve for changes that were made after it happened. And I grieve for things still not changed that should have been. Today I reflect, as I’m sure others do, on the loss. But I am also very grateful for what I didn’t lose that day. I still have my people. I still have my health. I still have the ability to help others where I can. These are the things I take with me and hope others do as well.

Before I get more emotional and stop making sense, let me leave you with this. Love each other, reflect on those we lost that day, then go out and do what you must today!